After Birthday

August 12th was a pretty shitty day in my life, I hate my birthday day, it is always something like a piece of chaos when you can not understand do you have the permission to be happy or just feel pressure to be sad and angry on your life. It was like always just a bad day with awesome greetings from all over the world. I am happy for it and in those moments just wanted to cry. But maybe it is my future and after my real birthday time after 4 pm, my life want in better way. I was crying in my pillow after job and sleeping because I felt all super moon effects and could not sleep normally some nights before b-day. Later I got best family greetings and tones of hugs from my dearest and nearest. Oh, I love them. And then I understand that I have to create new way of my life road. Sweden. Because the road what have now is not my choice.

I got the sign from sky – letter fromĀ  Sweden and I was and I am so happy because I know what it means.

Also this weekend was double birthday party with my friend and colleague G. It was a not crazy party but it was nice and a cozy party. However, after that night I understood some more things. That my friend is totally in love and I am jealous. We will have to travel to Venice to Architecture Biennial but I won’t do this. She will be with her love and me? I love myself and I know myself I won’t be happy, yes, I will be happy and I am for my friend, she is worth best love in the world. But what’s about me?

Architecture is just a mask like in real Venice parade, but I do not want to be a part of this. And everything looks pretty unclear about this journey. I feel shame that I am feeling jealous about my friend but better to be true than just lie. I have lied too much and too much time saved others in my account. Probably then you become 25th you understand that you live your life and just you can do it worth for living. Also for lots of these thoughts I should be thankful for My friend Darius Lukas knows what he writes and to me he is like a monk on his let’s sandbox mountain.


I hope some my thoughts help for others too. Nobody can say what we have to do, the life is not a war zone and we do not have to make the war in ourselves. Be in peace and always feel everything with heart, heart never lies to you.