Yesterday… and today
Yesterday I read some articles about fears, human fears which are so stupid without any logic just fear to do, what you really want or to be, who you are in real. People are not happy not in that case they can not be happy but they have fear to be happy. The article was written in Lithuanian my tongue language but |am sure that you can find something similar with name ,, fear to be myself” ,,fear to be happy”.
Why I am writing about that?
Because everything is quite easy to change. I still do not know what I am feeling now about it but I changed my life in better side just have done some silly things, what I wanted to do a long time ago. Which were killing me and always showed me how weak I am but I am not weak nobody is not weak, to be the human is a big job, so I do not take too much care if you lose something at first time just be sure you can do it. You really can do it, I know it. Just be yourself.
Today, I woke up with thought about that article and was walking through the park to my job with the same thought ,,Do I really have the fear to do it” , ,,I can do it” ,,It is just piano at my office”. I know it sounds stupid and crazy that I am afraid to play in my office with piano because I do not want to play to everybody, I used to play just to myself, when nobody hears me. Is it lack of confidence… I am sure that it is but it is just a stupid fear, ,,what if…” what if I play bad notes?” What if I get too much attention?” ,,what will my supervisor about say it” what if… much of them. It was the moment in my life. I was after coffee break and went downstairs heart what somebody is playing. I said to myself ,,Now, you must do it”. I was shaking… my fingers did not play right melody but it was for what I had fear for long time. It works. Later I just sat and smiled ,,great job, Monika, you did it” and to me for real it doesn’t care did anybody hear that, that it is me or what I played. It was just like exerciser to be myself.
Also, I did something more in the same way. I always see here, in Stockholm, poor people near shops and I feel bad when I have the bag full of delicious food and that man just has blanket and paper cup for coins. If I have some coins and give them but I usually everything buy by card, so no coins in my pockets. Today, I walked with my bag and feel that bad feeling again. I stopped. Went back to the shop, bought some bread and gave to him. I had a fear to do it because one time one man said that he wants money just (for drinking, of course) and I felt very embarrassed. But today it was different situation, I hope that he has something to eat and that bread is not what he has for dinner.
And people are scared to say their feeling in that case if they got the wrong answer or heard what they do not want to hear. I always try to say as much feeling things as I think is important or lovely to know it. I said to my friend that I love him. I love him as my best friends, family member I do not know but I want to support him as much as I can and be part of his life and that he will be part of mine too. We have history and I hope we will create future too.
If you really love yourself, do it what you feel that you want to do but are afraid of that or others people reactions. Who cares, what others thinks of you if you feel well with what you are and what you are doing.. Think about it! Change your life in better and easier way to live it.